Just For Gags

• The sexiest curve on your body is your smile.
• Not everyone who loves each other needs to be in a relationship. And not everyone who's in a relationship loves each other.
• Time heals nothing, it merely re-arranges our memory.
• Nobody in this world can take away your pain, So DON'T let anyone take away your happiness either.
• Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.
• Some people are like clouds. when they disappear, its a brighter day.
• Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
• Marriage age 21, drinking age 25. Can someone ask these law makers how to survive the first 4 years of marriage?
• Someday someone will walk in your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else.
• Managing is like holding sand in your hand. Squeeze it too tight you loose it, not hard enough and again you will loose.
• Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
• 3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that wont cry, lips than wont lie, and love that wont die.
• Trust is like money; you spend it, you save it, you lend it, and sometimes you get robbed.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Crying isn't showing your weakness. Its showing you've been strong for too long.
• Love is like a magic; but magic can sometimes, just be an illusion.
• Irony; wanting what you do not have, having what you do not want.
• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
• The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.
• My wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive so, I took her to a Petrol pump (Gas station).
• If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
• The best reason for having dreams is that in dreams your wife can't make you do the dishes.
• When two INDIAN couples come face to face,Wives look at each other's saris & husbands look at each other's wife.
• Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.
• Officer:Swimming s prohibited n this lake Lady: Then why didn't U tell me when I was removing my clothes? Officer:well,that is not prohibited.
• Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
• A bend in the road is not the end of the road,unless you fail to make the turn.
• New economic analysis- it's better to have long distance relationship coz STD rates are lower than fuel rates.
• If you sinned 90 times, you will be caught forty five times. How? Because: SIN 90 = COT 45.
• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.
• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
• Married life is so easy, seems just like walking in the park, and, park is like, Jurassic park.
• The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband.
• When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I now it is.
• All those interested in seeking an appointment with God, kindly call while driving.
• The relationship stages - ;) :P :) :D <3 ? :@ :| :( :'( Hick..Hick.
• Never criticise ur husband's faults. Remember, it may have been these little imperfections that stopped him from getting a better WIFE.
• At party someone yelled: All married guys, please HUG d person who has made ur life worth living The bartender almost got crushed.
• Everyone likes a bad girl, until she behaves badly with him.
• Innocent reply: Kid: Teacher, Can I go to bathroom ? Teacher: (correcting him) May I go to bathroom? Kid (sadly) But i asked first.
• U never realize how much u like someone until u watch them with someone else.
• Dear Cupid! Please take some time to target practice, Your aim sucks.
• Husband &Wife are like two tyres of a vehicle, if one punctures, the vehicle can't move further. Moral: always Keep a SPARE TYRE.
• Work hard, but make time for your luve, family & friends. Nobody remembers Powerpoint presentations on your dying day.
• Hypocrisy of Girls: Girls hate it when you ask their age but they would kill you if you forget their birthday !
• To do what you like is freedom. To like what you do is a happiness.
• Monsoon is the only season, when a girl can easily say, "I am wet". 
• You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God.
• Smallest sentence in English that has all 26 alphabets,"Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs."
• Whenever you look at me, my body language commits a typo.
• FYI-Only I can make fun of my wife because I live with her. If you ever make fun of my wife, I'll make you live with her.
• Long distance relationships are like fat people; They very rarely work out.
• An 'Oxymoron' is a combination of two words that are completely opposite in meaning.
  Ex: Exact estimate, open secret, larger half, liquid gas, found missing, act naturally, synthetic natural gas, peace force and the best one is “Happy married life”.
• One day, my girlfriend sent me a txt. "Let's break up." I didn't even have time to be sad, she sent me another txt. "Sorry,wrong person."
• I schedule conference calls just so I can cancel them at the last minute. Because everybody loves that guy.
• Crime doesn't pay.Does that mean my job is a crime?
• 'Most relationships fail not because of absence of love; but because girls love too much & boys love too many.
• Never believe your heart; it's not on the 'right' side.
• If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy.
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• If i could buy some people for what they're worth and sell them for what they THINK they are worth..i could be a billionaire
• Never argue with an idiot, for he will bring you down to his level and beat you by experience.
• When rabbits get divorced, it's called splitting hares.
• ‎3 words, 8 letters, 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, 1 emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU !
• Choose your facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use if you go missing.
• When you say no to ur boss, it is 'bad attitude' and when vice-versa, it is 'company policy'.
• Today, I finally realized that I have reached the age where I cannot function properly without glasses. Especially, when they are empty.
• Today, I finally realized that I have reached the age where I cannot function properly without glasses. Especially, when they are empty.
• Inflation is when you pay 500 bucks for the 200 bucks haircut which you used to get for 100 bucks when you had hair.
• Many people are like teachers to me. From them, I learn what not to do in life.
• What is the biggest sex change done in history of all times? Victoria Terminals to Chatrapti Shivaji Terminals.
• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
• Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
• A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 10 hours.
• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming :1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, Shut Up.
• A prisoner was about to be executed. Officer asked "any last wish?" P: I want to update my Facebook status as DIED.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
• Sign outside a photo studio: "WE CAN SHOOT YOUR WIFE !". and also "FRAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW ".
• A difference between TRUTH AND LIE...
  "Truth" is a Debit card.Pay first and enjoy later.
  "Lie" is a Credit card.Enjoy first and pay later.
• Why can earth never come to an end? Because it is round.
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• He broke her heart,She broke his iPhone4G. I think we all know who cried harder.
• What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
• Save electricity caption "Don't you just hate it when someone turns you on and leaves ? "Think about it."
• The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.
• Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
• All money is good money whether it's Black or white. Don't be a racist.
• If you'd ever like to know each and every one of your shortcomings and faults in detail, try criticizing your girl friend/ wife sometime.
• I am Re-Tired, I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today.
• They say if u love someone, set them free. Does that mean if u hate someone, u should chain them up in your basement?
• Q: How many hard-of-hearing people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Watt? 
• Short story using Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. "Oh God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."
• When you set big, powerful, life-changing goals, it's as if the Universe gets behind you and gives you a wedgie.
• Theory of Relativity: "Its 6am,u r on bed, u close ur eyes fr 5min, its 7:45!" "In office, its 11:30, u close ur eyes fr 5min, its stil 11:30."
• A conductr kissed a lady in his bus. Police took d conductor to jail & gave him electric shock but it had no effect,Y? Because he was a "BAD CONDUCTOR".
• Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because ventriloquists can lie without moving their lips.
• I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
• Yesterday is a memory, Tomorrow is an accessory.
• Life is just what happens to you, While your busy making other plans.
• ‎'Life is beautiful !' ** Terms and conditions apply.
• When someone is breaking up with you and says, 'We can still be friends', it is like you have a pet dog who is dying in your arms and your mom is saying, 'U can still keep it'. 
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A husband gifts his wife an expensive diamond necklace for their anniversary and the wife did not speak to him for next two months. Guess why? Because that was the deal.
• Ad in paper: Encyclopedia in good condition is for sale.
  Reasons for selling: Not required,Got married, wife knows everything.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell them the truth.
• Virgin Airline tagline: "We are more experienced than our name suggests.
• Other gods and prophets must thank their stars that humans didn't discover internet and TV before they discovered divinity.
• If you want someone to fall for you, you've got to give them something worth tripping over.
• Having a relationship is the same as having a baby. You need to feed them, nurture then, and put up with their whining.
• Never make yourself a cigarette so that people pay to buy you, stamp and crush you after they are done with you. Make yourself a drug, let them die to get you and even after getting you.
• Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don't really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, and they don't mean it either .
• A good friend is worth pursuing. But why would a good friend be running away?
• A journey of ten feet begins with a single "Where the fuck is the remote?"
• I find television Television shows very educating. Every time somebody turns on the TV, I go into the other room and read a book.
• To err is human, to forgive is divine. In other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.
• My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.
• Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
• If Women ruled the World there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• Don't be irreplacable in your company else, you will never be promoted.
• There's always one person in any organization who knows what's really going on. This person must be fired.
• God is surely a woman bcoz
  1. Never listens to me
  2. Knows everything, in own opinion and
  3. Always force me to accept that I know nothing.
• I'll not rest sleep I find cure for my Insomnia.
• Life is a journey, but one where it's good news is when you lose your baggage.
• What is common b/w cricket match score and ur ex? If U don't know the latest update. U can't live without asking people about it.
• Please ! Don't let your mouth be 'Broadband' when your brain is on 'Dial Up'. 
• I don't like it when you berate yourself. It's sad, self-pitying and 'Undercuts my efforts'.
• If nothing is going right. Go to....................'Left'.
• ‎" It's impossible." said pride. " It's risky." said experience. " It's pointless." said reason. " Give it a try." whispered the heart.
• I like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• Ironic: "When you`re right, no one remembers. When you`re wrong, no one forgets".
• A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 8-10 hours.
• When Graham Bell discovered telephone, he had two missed calls from Rajinikanth.
• I was going to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.
• When a child behaves badly, he's told : Stand up on your bench.
  When an MP behaves badly, he's told : Sit down on your chair.
• There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever You are thinking is right.
• Discipline is simply the art of making the soldiers fear their officers more than the enemy.
• Fashion show: is a stage show where designer shows their creations on models & models drop their clothes to show God's creations.
• Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
• It is often the last key on the ring which opens the door.
• Half of my cheque leafs I wasted with mistakes, and the other half got bounced.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it. ~ Charlie Chaplin.
• Your presence should not disturb anyone, but,Your absence must disturb atleast one.
• Whenever we find the key to success, some idiots change the lock.So, forget the key. Learn to BREAK the doors.
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Past is Waste Paper,Present is News Paper,Future is Question Paper,So Carefully Read & Write Otherwise Life becomes Tissue paper.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
• If u never thank GOD after every SMILE, then, U have no right to blame HIM for every TEAR.
• Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses.
• All the things I really like to do are either illegal or immoral.
• When a girl cheats a boy,he suicides.Hence gals kill a life.But when a boy cheats a gal,a baby is born.Hence, boys gives a life.
• The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
• A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything-  African Proverbs
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man.
• Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
• A house with Lawn, but without loan - My Wish
• When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.
• Father:Dear son! this time you have to gain at least 95% marks.
  Son:No dad! I will gain 100% this time.
  Father:Why are you making a joke.
  Son:Who started first?
• Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
• Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit".
• Train me Warning "Bina Ticket wale Yatri Hoshiyar." Santa:Waah! Aur Jo Ticket lekar Yatra kr rahe hain Wo sab bewkuf hain.
• When your gf/bf says "I love u" say " I love youtube" back, they'll never notice the difference.
• "Who could have imagined Spielberg would make a movie on us in future!" - a Dinosaur
• I filled out a job application today. One of the questions was NEAREST RELATIVE? I answered, 7 miles.
• God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
• Change can not be given,you have to bring it with you! A great line by~ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A BUS Conductor.
• Drive defensively - buy a tank.
• Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
• Falling in Love with you was the second best thing in the world, finding you was the first.
• Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
• You say "he only wants me for my body" like it's a bad thing.
• I really love my retirement policy. If I pay my premiums faithfully, in ten years my insurance agent can retire.
•  The best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost network.
• Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
• Horn & phone, most used "technology" in Indian driving.
• Kid: Mom! why r u putting that face pack.
  Mom: To make myself beautiful (After some time when she started removing it)
  Kid: Giving up?
• If you are the first in the queue, chances are that you are the last one to know that a new counter is opening.
• Getting married for sex is like buying a Boeing 747 for the free peanuts
• Locking the bedroom door doesn't count as "taking precautions"
• A Sign At A Petrol pump ... "Plz ... Don't Smoke Here ... Your Life May Be Worthless, But Petrol Certainly Isn't...
• A honeymoon is a short period of doting between dating and debating.
• Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together
• Global Warming!...Who cares if our grand kids don't get to see a polar bear, I didn't get to see a dinosaur, and I'm not complaining!!
• Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.!!!
• Study: "80% of college kids admit to sexting". The other 20% are trying to, but they can't get a signal on their iPhones.
• My boss asked me why I'm off sick every pay day with a rash? I told him its because I'm allergic to peanuts!
• Doctor :Agar 1 ghanta pehle le aate to hum isse bacha lete. Patient's Friend: Abe,15 min pehle to accident hua hai.
• The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller.
• The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist
• Movies Made In Pub: Rum de basanti, Hum tight ho chuke sanam, Passed out at Lokhandwala, Jo pilaye wahi bartender, Rum Maaro Rum,
• BILL G "I will always choose a Lazy person to do a difficult job because, definitely he will find an easy way to do it
• TEARS : "The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by Feminine water power !!
• A Bad Attitude is Like A Flat Tyre, U Cannot Reach Anywhere Until U Change It
• No matter how much you achieve in life, someday a guy will wrap samosas with your obituary.
• Wife: I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear. Husband: Kitchen, living room, bathroom.
• Everyone remember their first crush. Mine was orange.
• Some people can’t sleep because they have INSOMNIA..I can’t sleep because I have INTERNET CONNECTION.
• How to convert an interesting song to an irritating one? Just set it as ur alarm tone
• If a girl has balance in her cell then she has a BOYFRIEND..If a boy has balance in his cell then he doesn't have GIRLFRIEND !
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• The most reliable way to save face is to keep the bottom half of it tightly closed
• Corporate lessons:we are team means I am not the only one to be blamed,
• Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.
• Corporate Lessons: 
• 'We will do it' means 'You will do it'.
• 'You have done great jobs' means 'More work will be given to you'.
• 'Good Question' means 'I do not know anything about it'.
• 'All the best' means 'You are in trouble'.
• 'We are team' means 'I am not the only one to be blamed'.